Quite often we hear these familiar remarks from our
families, friends, colleagues, and the rest.
I am sure you heard one of these either this week or this month!
“Whenever my Dad talks to me, he starts giving me wisdom. It
is all about what to do and what not to do.”
“My manager comes and talks to me whenever he has some task
on hand. I end up doing it. “
“I have stopped talking to my husband because he reacts to
whatever I say. He goes on talking about his opinion. He criticizes but does
not try to understand what is going on. “
“My brother comes to me whenever he needs something. I haven’t seen him helping me on anything or
sharing anything with me.”
“He is a loudmouth. I wouldn’t invite him for this party.”
“He does not support our team. He bosses around!”
“That evening, when
he said that to me, I felt like moving away and stop talking to him. He is such an idiot! He doesn’t care!”
Will a cocktail party with the right mix of flavors help us
loose our inhibition and have a smooth talk? Will that be the right occasion to connect a
troubled boss or a coworker with the rest of the team? Some of you must have tried that and know
what happened the next morning or the next week. The story repeats and the
experience does not improve. So, what do we do?
We are social and connected. We are connected with our
families, relatives, friends, colleagues and communities. The way we communicate builds our
relationships with people around us. The flavors of communication are
numerous. From greeting and enquiring to
commanding and criticizing we end up one way or the other. The flavors we mix to communicate either foster
relationships or lead to withdrawals because of a potential communication
breakdown. This is because communication is one of the significant
factors that reflect our attitude and behavior in any social setting.
So, are we mixing the right flavors or missing the essentials? And are we avoiding the brutal ones?
Look at this picture for a moment. It provides just a collection of different
flavors we end up reflecting in our communication. There are several other flavors such as
encouraging, badgering, boosting, boasting, inflaming, and so on. I am sure, you have more to add. If you have some, please feel free to add
those in your comments and share your thoughts on this post.
Which of these flavors are the most likable? Which of those produce sweet memories? The list is not very long but it includes
responding, enquiring, supporting, aligning, believing, sharing, trusting, appreciating,
greeting, comforting, listening, caring, and the likes. That is the first set of flavors I wanted to
present. I am sure you like all of them. Obviously, everything in this set
creates a wonderful experience. These are the ones that are pleasant and
amicable in all situations. These are the ones that let us connect with people
and nurture relationships.
These flavors make a pleasing impact when we are genuine
with no intent of manipulation. In some cases, people mask everything else and
mix these flavors well enough to construct a positive image of each other and
build their relationship. You know what
happens next. Is repeating these flavors a practical way to live our lives
happily? Yes, that makes sense but we
need many other flavors too!
Sometimes we need to communicate in different ways. We need to mix more flavors. That list includes flavors such as reacting,
advising, instructing, opining, directing, supervising, guiding, tasking,
probing, commanding, controlling, criticizing, etc. That is the second set of flavors. It is tough to live without some of these flavors
in certain situations. Yes. It is tough
to eliminate or avoid such flavors all
the time considering the variety of roles we play – Mother, Father, Son, Daughter,
Sister, Brother, Husband, Wife, In-Laws, Grand Parent, Student, Teacher, Coach,
Mentor, Supervisor, Team Member, Entrepreneur,
etc.
When we repeat more and more of the flavors in this second
set, we shrink the wonderful experiences created by the first set. Eventually, when we forget about the first
set, we create a bitter experience.
This is a tiny thought I wanted to express through this blog
post. When this stays in our mind, we understand the constant and consistent
focus we need to have in balancing these two sets in certain roles.
How do you know if you are maintaining the balance or
not? One way is to do self-inquiry or
introspection. Another way is to listen
and understand how people around you respond to your interactions and consider signals that
come to you through feedbacks. A better
approach is to find opportunities to mix the flavors of the first set.
There is yet another approach. Next time when you either make
or consume a cocktail or mocktail, remember this question. Are You Mixing The Right Flavors? I am sure you will mix the right flavors!
Wish You a Happy New Year 2015!
Related Readings:
Happy New Year Wishes 2015
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteThe write-up starts with a set of examples which are relevant and relevant to a person at various walks of life. The write-up takes a nice flow to reach a probable solution with an assumption that this(cited examples) is something inevitable(I am not sure if this was the assumption, I may be wrong here), I cannot say that i disagree with the flavoring argument, however I was planning to attack this at a different level(I shall get to this in a while). I do not doubt that the cited examples create chaos and yes chaos in life is something that we cannot live with.
Lets look at the cited examples this way -- " it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me"(Question to ask -- Am in prepared for the disturbance.. No.. let me do something about it .. Yes ?? very well then)... going further and expanding the horizon -- "It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.
More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life"
REACTIONS are always instinctive whereas RESPONSES are always well thought of
So if both entities(Father-Son, Boss-Sub Ordinate et al) understand this then we would not even have the problem that we are trying to alleviate or solve for that matter :)
Thanks for adding these appreciative comments with interesting thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI think it is about being aware all the time and mixing the right flavors resulting in a tolerable level and frequency of traffic jams! When we do that, I am sure, we will be able to handle the disturbances caused by traffic jams too.
Unknowingly, probably due to a limited level of consciousness (i.e. Lack of awareness) we get entangled above the limits and get disturbed. It is a complex thing!
As you said reactions are instinctive whereas responses are well thought of. Good point! Understanding this is important. That is one of the steps and an important step too.
Besides, there are some flavors of communication that do not involve or need responses - but they create wonderful experiences. Appreciation, Greetings, Genuine Enquiry etc. are some examples. When we understand these, we will mix the right flavors, minimize traffic jams and learn how to synchronize even when there needs to be a traffic jam!
Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts!